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Jesus was an Asshole

Christians seem to have the greatest public relations department. Even many atheists seem to think that Jesus was some white guy with a long beard who wandered the Middle East trying to bring about world peace. According to the Bible, Jesus was a real asshole.

Sure everyone knows about the golden rule and the character of Jesus does have a few other great messages too. But they are few and far between especially when you read some of the other things that Jesus preached.

While everyone knows that the character of Jesus said to love one’s enemies and turn the other cheek, he also said the opposite of that very same philosophy:

“But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay [them] before me.” – Luke 19:27

Some Christians think Jesus was all about loving everyone, but if one actually read the entire Bible rather than just the parts of the Gospels that are preached in church, people would see a very different side of Jesus. Let’s see what Jesus has to say about family values:

”If any [man] come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.” – Luke 14:26

People seem to think of Jesus as the “Prince of Peace” and yet that title never appears in the New Testament at all. Not only is Jesus never once referred to as the “Prince of Peace” the character of Jesus actually seems to be a pretty violent character.

“If thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast [it] from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not [that] thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast [it] from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not [that] thy whole body should be cast into hell.” – Matthew 5:29

Plus, Jesus specifically refutes the idea that he came in peace. I don’t know if the character could have made it any clearer than this:

“Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword” – Mathew 10:34

Christians always tell me that this is a metaphor. Well no shit. I didn’t think Jesus actually wielded a sword around. But what is it a metaphor for? If Jesus had said that he didn’t come to send peace, but flowers then we might conclude that he was more about love than peace. But a sword is a metaphor for violence and fighting. So when someone says that they came with a sword, it seems to mean that they are looking for a fight. Add to this that he specifically states that he didn’t come to send peace and the meaning couldn’t possibly be clearer. The only way we can interpret that to mean that he was the Prince of Peace is if we took to words to mean the exact opposite of what they actually mean; sort of like Michael Jackson’s use of the word, bad.

Finally, there is a story that is rarely told about Jesus in which he pretty much acts like an asshole. His friends who seem to be better people than he is have to really put some peer pressure on him to do the right thing.

“And, behold, a woman of Canaan came out of the same coasts, and cried unto him, saying, Have mercy on me, O Lord, [thou] Son of David; my daughter is grievously vexed with a devil. But he answered her not a word. And his disciples came and besought him, saying, Send her away; for she crieth after us. But he answered and said, I am not sent but unto the lost sheep of the house of Israel. Then came she and worshipped him, saying, Lord, help me. But he answered and said, It is not meet to take the children’s bread, and to cast [it] to dogs. And she said, Truth, Lord: yet the dogs eat of the crumbs which fall from their masters’ table. Then Jesus answered and said unto her, O woman, great [is] thy faith: be it unto thee even as thou wilt. And her daughter was made whole from that very hour.” – Mat 15:22-28

Christians tell me that Jesus was such a great moral teacher and that even without the blood sacrifice he was the greatest guy who ever lived, but I really don’t see it. He seems no different than any other cult leader who is concerned more about himself than he is about others. In short, the character of Jesus just seems like an asshole.

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  • http://www.myspace.com/diana_graves Diana

    Pretty much

  • http://www.google.com/profiles/andrea.m.semler The Nerd

    Anyone who actually said all that he said would have to have been insane. Both pro-war and pro-peace, both fully god and mere mortal? I see it as simply more evidence that various writers added their opinions into the story as it passed through their hands.

  • Katherine Heicksen

    You highlight some great points here. However, the quote about cutting off your hand and all that is misused and doesn’t make sense in the context you put it into. Even from a non-christian standpoint, that one makes sense. Think about it this way:

    Remember that woman that cut off her child’s arms because she thought God was telling her to? Well, that was clearly a dark and twisted act. It would have been better if she had cut off her own arms to prevent herself from acting then to do what she did. Anyone that feels they cannot help themselves but to harm others, would be better off making them incapable of doing so. That is what that is all about and there is nothing wrong with it. It doesn’t mean that Jesus was a man of violence.

    The second example you used, did make sense though. That does c;early point out that Jesus was NOT all about peace and love.

    If you actually would like to be able to make Christians think about this kind of stuff, and not just preach to the choir, then you have to be careful to speak to the Christian mind. If you make obvious mistakes, everything, even the pointed things, will be disregarded.

    Were you ever a Christian? It helps if you have had an inside view at one time.

    • http://www.dangeroustalk.net Staks

      Katherine, I didn’t say that that particular verse justifies violence to others (there are other verses for that as I pointed out). Encouraging others to pluck out their own eyes and cut off their own hands is encouraging violence. I don’t think that is understandable (in this context) nor do I think it virtuous (in this context).

      So let me get this straight, you think it makes sense to pluck out your eyes if you get turned on sexually by a naked body? Really? That makes sense to you? In the Christian context I get it. It is as Jesus said, it is better to lose one’s eyes than to be tortured for all eternity in Hell. But from a non-Christian sense how does that possibly may any semblance of sense? Please explain it to me,

      I wrote a blog already about my de-conversion story. Check the category menu in the side bar ——>

      • Katherine Heicksen

        no – of course I don’t think that.

        I don’t think there is anything wrong with nudity or being sexually healthy. That is ridiculous. However, there are things that are most certainly wrong, particularly anything that hurts someone else. Such as the example I gave above or like pedophiles. I think it would be much better if pedophiles that can’t control themselves would just maim themselves in such a way that prevented them from hurting others. Or serial killers. That sort of thing. Yes. Sometimes its better for people to harm themselves rather than harm society.

        Of course, I don’t agree with the hell nonsense, unless you think of hell metaphorically, hell on earth certainly exists for some. Sometimes this is probably a result of peoples own actions that they then have to live with.

        • http://www.dangeroustalk.net Staks

          Jesus wasn’t talking about pedophiles in the context of that verse. He was talking about lusting. According to Jesus, if you think about a person sexually, then you already fucked that person in your heart. So Jesus suggests that we pluck out our eyes. The really funny part is that it doesn’t even make sense. A blind person can still lust. So Jesus is not just an immoral asshole, but he is stupid too.

          • Katherine Heicksen

            fine – you win.

  • Jim Lawler

    I love this statement. I think that christians can cherry pick quotes ad infinitum, about how jesus is ‘loving’, ‘peaceful’, ‘merciful’. But as you and many scripture scholars have pointed out, scripture is contradictory, at the very best. So what can any of us expect from the jesus character?
    But, taking the jesus story as a whole, there is definitely more negative than positive, about it. And yes, the jesus character is an ASSHOLE, bright and flaming! One consolation is, jesus probably never existed, in the first place. There is increasing evidence to that effect.
    Thank you for writing this. I do enjoy reading your blog; keep up your good work!

  • 1225truth

    Luke 19
    [26]For I say unto you, That unto every one which hath shall be given; and from him that hath not, even that he hath shall be taken away from him.
    [27] But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me.

    This is the end of the last parable in the synoptic gospels and it is a corker. Read the whole chapter. Anyone who would recite such a thing as a measure of virtuous conduct would have to be the worst sort of arrogant asshole.

  • John

    ROTFLMAO. I love how you can accuse Christians of cherry picking quotes, then go and cite quotes that anyone with 2 minutes of research can find are taken from Christ’s parables. Perhaps you would better spend your time in therapy than projecting your own sick pathological motives upon Christ. Just because you are an @$$hole cult leader who happens to disagree with Christ doesn’t reduce him to your own level.

    Only an idiot could say that Christ was a completely nonviolent man. You forgot Luke 19:45 for example, which clearly shows Christ himself taking violent action against those who defiled the Temple. And even from the sections you maliciously quote out of context, you selected stupidly. As 1225truth indicated Luke 19:26 is far worse than 19:27 in terms of your own juvenile sense of fairness.

    • http://www.dangeroustalk.net Staks

      Okay John, please enlighten me. What is the proper context for these violent and horrible verses? I have already written about the “Context Argument.” See the categories in the sidebar ——->

      You claim these are parables, but like I asked in the post, what are they parables for exactly? What is the message?

      John, you have obviously studied the Bible with great detail and have read it cover-to-cover multiple times. Surely, you know the answer to these questions. With just 2 minutes of research, you know that the context of these verses obvious shows that they mean the exact opposite of what they appear to say. So maybe you can share your 2 minutes of research with the rest of us.

      • John

        I haven’t read the whole Bible cover to cover, though I’ve read the whole New Testament cover to cover and have studied many difficult passages in multiple translations to try to get to the heart of the matter.

        Luke 19:27 is from the parable of the ten talents and though Jesus is the speaker, and thus the text appears red in those red-letter publications, he not speaking on his own behalf but is quoting the king the parable.

        Luke 14:26 is a mistranslation. The term commonly translated as “hate” is a Greek word with no English equivalent that translates more accurately to “love less than”

        Matthew 5:29 is also a mistranslation. The term commonly translated as “eye” is a Greek word that also means “point of view” or “perspective”

        Matthew 10:34 is an admonition against complacency, in the same vein as Luke 14:26. Matthew 10:39 is similarly difficult, but puts it in a more understandable turn of phrase: “If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it.” (NLT)

        Matthew 15:22-28 (also told in Mark 7:24-30) is indeed a difficult passage, and I’ll not pretend that I completely understand it, but I feel that the key is in the end Christ relented and was persuaded to heal the woman’s daughter. It is curious that he would initially rebuff this woman as not being among the lost sheep of Israel considering how he treats so many other nonbelievers such as the Roman officer, and the Samaritans and the woman by the well.

        • http://www.dangeroustalk.net Staks

          John, first things first. If you haven’t read your own Holy Book cover-to-cover, then you really have no qualification to explain anything. You believe that this book was written by the all-powerful Creator of the Universe and that your eternal soul rests on this book’s content and yet you have not even read all of it? That doesn’t make any sense. Why wouldn’t you read your own holy book? How can you possibly complain that some passage is out of context when you haven’t even read the entire book. You don’t know the context!!!!

          Now, let’s deal with your excuses for Jesus being an asshole.
          Luke 19:27 – Jesus is supporting this idea and this parable so he is still an asshole. He isn’t quoting this and saying that people shouldn’t follow this advice. He is quoting it and saying that they ought to follow it. ASSHOLE!
          Luke 14:26 – Bullshit!! I’m sorry but that is a bullshit translation made up by Christians as an attempt to make Jesus fit into our more modern sensibilities. No Greek scholar would support that translation.
          Matthew 5:29 – Another bullshit translation. I know this is a bullshit translation because it doesn’t even make sense in the context of the verse. Remember that Jesus talked about cutting off one’s hands in the next verse. Context John, context.
          Matthew 10:34 – Your explanation doesn’t even make sense here John. The imagery of violence some how means that your ought not to be complacent? Really. Maybe the verse means exactly what it says. I know that sounds crazy and all, but you are going to have to do better than that.
          Matthew 15:22-28 – You got nothing on this one. In fact, you have even uncovered a contradiction in your infallible holy book (which you have not even fully read). Jesus is inconsistent and somewhat random in who he is nice to and who he is an asshole to.

          • John

            I’m not sure how not getting around to studying the minor prophets like Habakkuk invalidates my research into the New Testament, but thanks Staks. Like I said in my first comment, you’re an asshole and you’re just projecting your opinions on Christ. Thanks for once again not failing to disappoint.

            • http://www.dangeroustalk.net Staks

              You can name call all you like John, but that doesn’t change the facts. You haven’t read your own holy book and have the audacity to say that someone is taking something out of context. If you haven’t read the entire Bible cover-to-cover then you have not ground to say that someone is taking anything out of context. John, you take every passage you quote out of context because you have not read the whole thing.

              Second, instead of rectifying your ignorance by sitting down and actually reading your own holy book, you think you can just insult your way out. That’s sad John. I encourage you to sit down and start with Genesis and read the ENTIRE Bible. This series of books was after all divinely inspired by God. Every word is perfect, right? It should be your most important priority in life and it ought to be more entertaining than anything written by flawed humans, right?

              Have fun.

  • qwertyuiop

    Here’s a video that is on the topic of this posting:


    • http://www.dangeroustalk.net Staks

      Yeah, I saw this video the other day. Great stuff:

  • David

    Another easy way to see that Jesus is an asshole is to recognize his bigotry. In Matthew 15:22-26 we find this telling conversation:

    A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is suffering terribly from demon-possession.” Jesus did not answer a word. So his disciples came to him and urged him, “Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us.” He answered, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel.” The woman came and knelt before him. “Lord, help me!” she said. He replied, “It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to their dogs.”
    Jesus calls this woman a dog because she is not the right nationality. That is both ridiculous, and a clear indication that he is an asshole.
    If you are a person who steals other people’s stuff, you are an asshole. In Mark 11:1-3 we find this transaction:

    As they approached Jerusalem and came to Bethphage and Bethany at the Mount of Olives, Jesus sent two of his disciples, saying to them, “Go to the village ahead of you, and just as you enter it, you will find a colt tied there, which no one has ever ridden. Untie it and bring it here. If anyone asks you, ‘Why are you doing this?’ tell him, ‘The Lord needs it and will send it back here shortly.’ ”
    How many times have you had some jerk say, “let me borrow this and I’ll return it in a minute,” never to see that person again? It is a common scam. And that’s exactly what Jesus does. The disciples take the colt, but if you search the scriptures you find that they never bother to return it. Wow – what an asshole.
    By the way, that is not the only place in the Bible where Jesus steals something. In Matthew 8:28-34 Jesus steals an entire herd of pigs and kills them all.
    Here is another emotional outburst from Mark 11:15-16:

    On reaching Jerusalem, Jesus entered the temple area and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves, and would not allow anyone to carry merchandise through the temple courts.
    Is this a smart thing to do? Is this the kind of behavior you expect from a thoughtful, rational adult? No, it is the behavior of a child. Surely the all-powerful son of God could come up with a better plan than knocking over tables in a one-time outburst.
    In Mark 11:12-14 we find another emotional reaction:

    The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his disciples heard him say it.
    Later we learn that the tree is dead.
    Let’s see. The son of God is hungry. He approaches a fig tree. The tree is out of season and has no fruit. Jesus wants fruit. So he kills the tree. What a total asshole! Why didn’t he wave his all-powerful hand and cause figs to appear? Or how about borrowing a raisin from someone and turning it into a 5,000 baskets of figs? Only a true asshole would kill something out of spite.

  • Swangy

    Yeah, but he’s not all bad. Someone washed Jesus’s feet as a nice thing to do, in oil of course, was Jesus a total arsehole about it? Maybe not, he said (rough quote) “She is blessed that she washed my feet in oil, since you haven’t done it yourselves, you have no right to”, that doesn’t mean he’s an arsehole.

  • Swangy

    On the risk of repeating my entry, wow, exactly, he’s an arsehole! “You have been baptised in water, and now you will be baptised in blood”, and another evil one, “If you feel pain in your chest, do not take it as a disgrace, it is a blessing”, I don’t know if that was Peter copying Jesus but if you tell people to suffer, you’re an arsehole! It’s evil, but I like it that so many priests don’t suffer and we sit, suffer and shut up, we’re really stupid!

  • Matt

    ALL of these are out of context stop being hyppocritical read the entire parable

  • You forgot something very big. Threatening people with eternal damnation for not following him. Seems pretty asshole-like to me. I have to admit I didn’t understand what the last story was talking about though.

    • Lion King

      I have thought the same thing….ya….but….so what….

    • Lion King

      Ya. But he is like a parent! That loves you! Because every parent in the world would send their kid to eternal damnation for disobeying! !!!!!!-

  • SSDD

    That Jebus guy seriously needed treatment then world would be much better.

    • Lion King

      Treatment? For what? Alcoholism? Where do you come up with these ideas?

    • Lion King

      Ya he is a real bitch

  • IAgree

    Well that certainly is very True.

  • LoveJesus

    Jesus is literally a piece of shit. Curse jesus and the shitty holy spirit. Fuck you naked man trying to look sexy on the cross, lmao.

    • Lion King

      So you love him then

      • Well I Certainly Agree

        How can you love a filthy scumbag like that?

        Do you?

        • Lion King

          The person’s username is “love Jesus” and yes, I do love Him.

  • The Truth

    More like a total Prick.

  • The Honest Truth

    And a filthy Cocksucker as well.

  • The Serious Truth

    God sucks Satan’s filthy cock and swallows his cum juice as well

    • Lion King

      Hmmmm where is that in the bible?

  • And I Certainly Agree Too

    Jesus is a fucking scum sucking pig Homo that sucks filthy Cock and swallows like the filthy Motherfucker that he is and always will be.

    • Lion King

      April comes before May

      • And I Certainly Agree Too

        And all i ever wanted was a wife and family that i still don’t have today. What did i do wrong anyway?

        • Lion King

          Its not all its cracked to be. A wife and family. Maybe you were to selfish? He was the kind of man that would never be satisfied, no matter how much he had, he didn’t really love the Lord, for where your heart is, there your treasure will be also. He loved money and status, a tool, an instrument, played by the darkest forces, willingly? I don’t know, forgive them, they know not what they do?

          • And I Certainly Agree Too

            Not really at all since unfortunately there are just too many filthy whores and lesbians nowadays that made it real difficult for many of us good straight men that wanted to get married and have a family since we really have no reason at all to blame ourselves. Today most women are just down right rotten altogether since they really have no respect for us men at all since they like to curse at us for just saying good morning or hello to them to start a conversation going. I had this happen to me already and a friend that i know had it happened to him as well which most of these women really do have very severe mental problems to act that way with many of us men that never did anything wrong in the first place for this to happen to us which really makes these women such very pathetic low life losers as well. It is just too bad that the real good old fashioned women that we had many years ago are all gone now unfortunately since the women back then really did put these women today to real shame altogether since most of them really did have respect for the men in those days and they certainly had a much better personality as well. Now i know why our family members were very extremely blessed finding real true love with one another since the times back then were really quite different than today. It was just too very bad that many of us weren’t born back then since we really would’ve been all settled down ourselves now. Just a very bad time nowadays. Peace.

            • Lion King

              Eventually you wake up and find out love is a lie, like everything else in the world. No fairytale. Sacerfice is what its about. You have to be able to love peoples flaws, because that makes them human and not blanks….but sometimes it is better to just be alone its not so bad. But, uh, you sound sheltered. Are you 32 plus years old living with mom and dad still, attending an apostate church in Arkansas and spend most of your time correcting grammar errors, hacking peoples iphones and emails? Yeah. I cheated. So, king Solomon is the only one allowed 700 wives and three hundred hoes. …? That is a double standard. Maybe she got sick of paying his way, never having sex, while he was gay as hell, doing a man baby routine, and dealing with crazy baby mamma and bratty step kid. Maybe women are or become filthy lesbians because all the men act like women and want to housewives instead of husbands, staying at home all day getting fat, eating up all the cookies and drinking up all the tea, while the women is at work getting hit on by someone who can still get an erection without viagra. Sure, women have an excuse to turn lesbian after countless unwanted rapes and molestation, and not getting sex when she wants it, not to mention when their “man” (term used loosely) is probably taking it up the rear, while she’s wondering why he never wants to have sex with her. Hell, he would rather eat five packages of oreos instead and binge watch superhero movies whilst cracking it off alone or doing a dude instead of being a man. .No..she didn’t let herself go….stayed in her sizes 0-4 through out the “marriage”…..but wandered off after going without attention or sex for months on end. Why get married when you can keep all your tea and cookies, please yourself faster, for free, with less mess and no commitment. I can pay my own way, so why do I need an unwanted responsibility with no benefit (marriage/relationship) no, I won’t play house with you while you eat up all my food and sleep in my bed and enjoy my cleanliness whilst doing nothing. Men are never happy . . .your dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t.. . Mixed messages much….be more slutty at home…but don wear modest clothes, okay! Yeah. I thought I needed a man…but I found out its just easier to become one than wait on a “blessing” which is total bullsheet. No. I am not sorry anymore. There is a double standard for women. I read the bible and realized that men have been arse holes undeserving of respect since forever and should be used and discarded like the trash they are.

            • Lion King

              10 out of 10 women disagree.

    • Lion King

      First you have to be real. Uh….to do that.

  • Big Josh

    Maybe if he got laid more he could loosen up some. There is no accounts of Jesus ever nailing chicks in the pussy and Lord knows that gay sex is A BIG NO NO.

    • Joe Shaw

      Lol to true dude.. I literally l.o.l at nailed chicks in the pussy :-D

  • No Lie

    Jesus Christ is a fucking faggot.

  • Reality Check

    Fuck you Jesus.

  • Let The Truth Be Known

    Jesus is a filthy Cocksucker altogether and the fucking diseased infested pig swallows too.

  • Amen

    Eat shit and die Jesus.

  • Amen To That

    God sucks Satan’s filthy cock everyday and swallows as well as sticking is very ugly face up Satan’s asshole and eating the shit out of it as well. That disgusting sick dirty Jew Bastard fucking Homo.

  • Really

    Jesus sucks and eats Ass.

  • Really

    And God sucks dick and swallows.

  • Truth

    God and Jesus are cum eaters.

  • Frank S

    Well, if jesass really did say the things attributed to him then he certainly was a goddamn asshole fucking piece a shit. Myself, I prefer to believe that it’s all just a silly, simple minded myth rather than that such a goddamn fucktard actually existed.

  • Josh Williams

    Both Jesus and God are sucking each others cock nowadays and swallowing too. I have yet to figure that one out. But then again it was real fact that Jesus was gay and still is.