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The Famous Bear E-mail Forward

I get a lot of e-mails from Christians. One e-mail forward that I get often is a Christian idea of a joke at the expense of atheists. Stop me if you heard this one:

An atheist was walking through the woods.

‘What majestic trees!’
‘What powerful rivers!’
‘What beautiful animals!’

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, ‘Oh my God!’

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. ‘You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?’

The atheist looked directly into the light and said, ‘It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?’

‘Very Well,’ said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

‘Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.’

The morals of the story are that there are no atheists in the foxhole. When an atheist believes that he will die, he falls on his knee to God. Atheists are prideful and can’t admit that they are wrong even with clear evidence. Being a Christian means that one is virtuous and good.

The irony of this little tale is that the character of God in the Bible actually does use bears as a weapon to kill people… children no less. This e-mail forward was probably inspired by the story in II Kings 2:23-24. But that story was not really funny and had questionable moral value. So some Christian probably took that story and did a re-write.

The funny thing is that some Christian thought that he could improve on God’s divine tale and that he actually did. This story of the Christian bear maybe stupid, but it is better than God’s version in which two bears slaughter 42 kids for making fun of someone’s bald head.

As far as humor goes, I think I have to give this one to God though. The story in II Kings is much funnier but mainly because it is meant to be serious. I mean really, “Go up, thou bald head.” That insult alone is hilarious.

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  • http://www.myspace.com/legionofrott The £egiøn øf ®ø††™

    ®ø††en Hailz! Great post!

  • Jim

    Wouldn’t the joke be more accurate if the bear became a Christian, and then tore the atheist limb from limb just because the atheist wasn’t a Christian?

    And I have always laughed when Christians complain about the use of Jesus or god as a curse and then conflate a yelled curse in the joke with an appeal to their deity. Sigh

    • http://www.dangeroustalk.net Staks

      Isn’t that what happened in the story? The Bear became a Christian and ate the atheist limb from limb.

  • http://superstitionfree.blogspot.com Robert Madewell

    I think it is funny that the bear’s coversion didn’t decrease his violence. I guess that shows that christians are at least as violent as anyone else.

    Besides, I don’t know of any atheist that would wish to inflict such a horrible religion on a non-consenting animal.

  • http://www.myspace.com/diana_graves Diana

    There go those silly nutters again…talking animals, man in the sky, physics defying bs…

  • http://www.myspace.com/desago Desago

    A bear in the woods eating an atheist. So who is relying the story? Did the bear decide to write its own scripture about the day it became Christian? How do we know the atheist fell down and prayed to god? Did the bear tell us this in its scripture, did we get a proper translation of that scripture, how many times was the story told before it was decided that the bear became Christian?
    Many question but no good answers. If we retell the story without the religious aspect then it becomes simply a guy was eaten by a bear in the woods, Hahahaha funny I know. It take a special person to make humor out of the death of another human. But its okay it that person is not of the dominate religion in this country. How would this joke go over with the man being Christian? Well maybe I won’t tell it we all know how those Christians already feel persecuted as it is. Does the story relate how its okay that anyone who isn’t Christian will be struck down for not believing in God. How far would we get if we placed a Jewish man in the joke? Oh no that would be considered anti semitic, can’t have that.