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Release Everyone from Prison!

America has a real prison problem and I have the perfect solution. You might even say that it was divinely inspired… because I got the idea from the Bible. I think we should let everyone in the prisons go and I’ll take their place. I will serve a trillion year sentence so that everyone else can go free. I will sacrifice my freedom so that all who believe in me should be set free.

Let all the murderers, rapists, pedophiles, serial killers, terrorists, thieves, etc. all go free. I as an innocent person will take their place behind bars. Sounds like a great plan, right? It should sound like a great plan. It was after all God’s plan.

Now some people might think that if we let all these criminals go, they will just go back to a life of crime, but that will be their choice. They have free will after all. Besides, all they have to do is ask me to serve their sentence again with a sincere heart and all will be forgiven. It is my gift, my sacrifice for America.

Now of course this is a really stupid idea. But it is after all right out of the Bible. In fact, most Christians claim that it is the central message of the Bible. All humans according to the Bible are evil sinners who deserve eternal torture in Hell, but because God loves us so much, he sent his son to take our place on the cross so that we could avoid eternal torture in Hell. Jesus doesn’t even have to take our place in Hell, just on the cross. So maybe I shouldn’t have to spend my life in prison after all. I should just take these criminals place on sentencing day. Maybe spend three days in prison (Jesus after all was alleged to have only spent three days in Hell, right?). This deal is getting better and better all the time.

I will be the savior to millions of criminals and I only have to go to their brutal sentencing and spend three days in prison. Some how though I don’t think any judge in the country will go for this Biblical deal. It is after all completely ridiculous!


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  • http://shaunphilly.wordpress.com ShaunPhilly

    Let’s just hope that if you do follow through on this plan, the sentencing is not run by Mel Gibson.

  • Danogump

    I love it when anyone points out the irony and silliness of the bible! :)

  • Gypsy

    This has to be the most rational argument against Jesus’ divination I have ever heard. :D Kudos!

  • http://www.myspace.com/DD_NU4EVER Diana

    It’s my Mother-in-laws favorite argument for bringing me into the light.

    “It’s so easy,” she would say passionately. “All you have to do is accept jesus and you are saved! It’s so easy!”

    Yeah, it’s so easy, all I have to do is abandon reason for madness. Accept that there is a god out there that murdered his son, who was himself, as a blood sacrifice for the sins I was born with because the first female that there ever was showed intelligence and curiosity (not that it ever happened)Damned Eve… and Pandora!

    But, if I accept this preposterous story I can do whatever I want and put all my evil sins on jesus’s back…I can be as evil as I would wish and I’ll end up in heaven, right next to Hitler and Jack the Ripper. Good times…

    • Mr. X

      This one Christian keeps trying to tell me that I’m afraid to acknowledge God’s existence, because then I’d have to confront the reality of HELL.

      WTF sense does THAT make, when I don’t even have to physically DO anything, to get eternal bliss instead?!

      I’d rather believe THAT, than believe that death is THE END! And THEY keep trying to tell ME that I’M the one who’s in denial!!!!!…

      • colleen

        pretty close to the same thing was said to me the other day something along the lines of “people who seems like they are fighting so hard to disprove god are trying to find a way to not have to follow his rules” while on one hand he was correct i will fight hard not to have to follow is arbitrary and ridiculous rules but that fact doesn’t create validity of god. And to comment on the blog i wonder how three supposed days in hell and an eternity in heaven is payment for everyone who ever live’s sin? Seems to me that in order to make any kind of real trade that makes sense he would at least have to spend eternity in hell as some semblance of equal payment…

  • Mr. X

    Yeah, or we could just rewrite our drug laws, so that they make sense. But that’s probably too crazy an idea for those Christian conservatives.

  • ArizonaAtheist

    Wonderful, thought provoking post! I nodded in agreement throughout the whole piece. This is why I never bother to watch these things.