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Hitchens Has Risen!

On Sunday, I was on the Twitter and saw that some of the atheists that I am following had experienced a miracle. It turns out that Christopher Hitchens was seen alive three days after he died of cancer. The evidence is clear, Hitchen has risen!

People tweeted about seeing an empty coffin and others saw him arguing with religious believers. Then before their eyes, he just vanished into another dimension. Christopher Hitchens has defeated death itself. He has fulfilled the prophecy, died, and on the third day he has risen.

Now, no religious believer with even the miniscule sense of reality would accept this as true. Yet these people on Twitter have no reason to lie. In fact, talking about their experience only opens them up to ridicule and might even cause them to lose their jobs in our theocratic infested nation.

So who wants evidence that Christopher Hitchens had really risen from the dead and is alive today in another dimension? Who will accept the testimony of these people on Twitter as proof of this? Who will pretend that this is a claim that has nothing to do with science or that it is somehow beyond science and yet equally as valid as anything that the scientific method has done or could do?

Now let me offer this; Adolf Hitler didn’t believe that Hitchens returned from the dead. Therefore, everyone who doesn’t believe that Hitchens did not return from the dead must be like Hitler. In fact, not believing that Hitchens returned from the dead leads to the mass murder of Jews.

Think about it, how many people who believe that Hitchens rose from the dead are in prison today? Zero! How many people who believe that Hitchens rose from the dead killed Jews or anyone else? Zero!

Admittedly, these are all terrible arguments and yet atheists have to address these very arguments on a daily basis from Christians. How can a Christian really prove that Hitchens didn’t rise from the dead as so many people claim that he has and that they have seen him? They could present the body, but that doesn’t really deal with the issue since we all know that the body is just an empty vessel and that Hitchens’ personality lives on in another dimension in the form of spaghetti sauce or something.

It actually takes more faith not to believe that Hitchens has risen on the third day than it does to believe that he has. One would have to claim to know everything in the entire universe in order to reject the belief that Hitchens has risen. How arrogant! These people must hate Hitchens and are just angry people. One must at least be willing to admit that it is possible that Hitchens did rise on the third day and that he is the world’s true savior. Kneel before the Hitch!

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  • http://twitter.com/markjohnh Mark John Hiemstra

    I get the point of this, but would hate to be his family and have to see bullshit like this. There are more people than just you in the world.

    • http://twitter.com/DangerousTalk Staks Rosch

      This is Hitchens we are talking about. I think his family (except maybe his brother Peter) would understand or at least should. As for Hitchens, I am reasonably certain he doesn’t care one way or the other.

  • Skepacabra

    Anyone who’s spent more than a second in Hitchens’ presence needs to have pretty thick skin. While I’m sure Peter Hitchens might take issue with some elements of this piece (though not the reasons I suspect you find distasteful), I can’t imagine anyone in Christopher Hitchens’ immediate family taking offense to this. Hitchens himself certainly wouldn’t have been offended by it. Little known fact: he was kinda an irreverent guy himself.

  • Christopher Elliott

    I heard that Hitchens was seen sharing a coffee with Elvis Presley at the Llanerch Diner just yesterday.

  • Anonymous

    I can see it now. In 2000 years….

  • http://twitter.com/AtheistAmerican Helena Handbasket

    And your argument takes wings as it soars over the head of every Christian reading this..

  • Pingback: Good News! Hitchens has Risen! | God Discussion

  • downtown dave

    In the belief that Mr. Hitchens will rise you are not wrong. You’re just wrong on the timeline (a little like Mr. Camping?). Mr. Hitchens, having died without Jesus, will be part of the second resurrection at the end of the millinium. http://atheistlegitimacy.blogspot.com/