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God’s a Whiny Bitch

It has occurred to me that in the Bible, the character of God is always telling people what to do and complaining about various things. One of his biggest issues is that the Hebrews don’t love him enough. In the New Testament Jesus whines about how people don’t love God enough. So I just gotta know: Why is God such a whiny bitch?

Think about it for a moment, here is a deity who is all-powerful, all-knowing, etc., and what does he do? He complains that people aren’t worshiping him enough. Hell, he destroys whole cities of people and floods the entire world because humans weren’t “good enough” for him. Well shit, whose fault is that for making us so flawed in the first place?

Seriously though, I think that the character of God as portrayed in the Bible is deeply flawed. He is like a spoiled brat with superpowers. He gets offended at nearly everything human beings do and every time he gets offended he smites people or orders people to smite in his name. And that is just laziness if you ask me.

You don’t even have to do something bad like murdering someone to offend God. All you have to do is mock him in some way and that counts as blasphemy. Mock his holy spirit and there is no forgiveness. Did you have a tough week at work and have to work some extra hours on the weekend? Well, you just pissed off God. Did you eat some tasty shell fish for dinner? Sorry, but this whiny deity hates Red Lobster and will torture you for all eternity if you ever eat there. Wearing a shirt made of a cotton/polyester blend? Have sex before marriage? Make fun of a bald guy? Masturbate?

Let’s face facts if God were real he would be one whiny deity. He gets offended at the stupidest things and lashes out with extreme punishments to those who offend him. How can Christians seriously expect anyone to worship such an ass-clown?




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  • Skepacabra

    The god of the Bible is basically just Charlie X from Star Trek or Bill Mumy from The Twilight Zone, a whiny spoiled brat who demands he gets his way all the time and disappears you from existence if you don’t do what he says.

  • Dom

    God a hoe ass bitch… No wonder Satan wanted to kill this dumb son of a bitch, shit I wanna slap the fuck out this bitch