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I have always been fascinated by prophecies. I read a lot of Nostradamus, Eager Casey, and of course the Bible. I even think I might have had a prophetic dream myself once (I’ll let you know in about 10 to 15 years if it comes to pass). I have gone to psychics and had my horoscope done, etc. I even remember an Astronomy Lab class that we spent on horoscopes. As we all walked into the class, our professor would comment to us how he thinks we must be this sign or that because we had this trait or that trait. Many of the students were amazed he guessed their sign so accurately. Of course most forgot that he also had the class list which listed everyone’s birthdays next to their names. A fact he mentioned to us at the end of the class.

Then there was a girl I dated who did my full 30-page horoscope, I was surprised about how accurate it was. Many of the traits that it predicted that I had were true. It is hard to believe that the time of my birth and the stars and planets in the sky at that time could know so much about what kind of person I was. Of course, while many of the traits it predicted were accurate, many were not. But I wasn’t focused on those things, because I wanted to know what the stars said about me personally, not what the stars got wrong.

And Nostradamus did say Hister, which clearly meant Hitler. They both start with the letter “H” and end in the letter “R,” and even have a “T” in the middle somewhere. But then who is “Mabus” the third anti-Christ?

Have you ever heard of Harold Camping? You know, the guy who owned the Family Channel Radio Network all over the country. You might not have heard of him, but he did a radio show on his station in the early 90s (still might). Using the Bible, he was able to predict the week, (but not the Time or the Day because Jesus said you couldn’t) of the return of Jesus, The Rapture, Armageddon, The End of Days, etc. I listened to his show back then and was amazed. Using the Bible and modern events, Camping predicted that we were living in The End Times. He was able to narrow down Jesus’s triumphant return to be around (but not necessarily exactly) September 24th 1994. Holy shit, you missed Jesus by 15 years! Who knew that Armageddon would happen and no one would notice. So if you haven’t been bodily raised up to Heaven, then you’re damned with the rest of us.

And who could forget the prophesies of Doe from Heaven’s Gate. All you had to do was become a eunuch and wear a jumpsuit with white sneakers, wait for God’s Chariot behind the Hale-Bopp Comet and kill your body. Then your soul can catch a ride to Heaven.

But the fact is that for the last 2500 years or more people have been predicting that the End Times were almost here. According to the Bible, Jesus claimed that the end was near too.

Matthew 24:33-36 “So likewise ye, when ye shall see all these things, know that it is near, [even] at the doors. Verily I say unto you, this generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled. Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away. But of that day and hour knoweth no [man], no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.”

Most of the Early Christians were completely convinced that they were the last generation. Aside from the claim that Jesus said it, they believed it, end of story. They also frequently claimed two other pieces of evidence. The first was that nature was turning against man and the second, the moral decay of society. Wow, how little has changed.

Many Christians tell me that Jesus fulfilled all the prophecies of the Old Testament and therefore he must really be the Messiah. This is really actually comical for two reasons. The first is that there are no real prophecies in the Old Testament. If people actually read the Bible, they would see that those things that they call prophecies were actually attempts at activism. They weren’t dealing with the distant future, but rather they were an attempt to scare people to action in the immediate future. Second, how fucking hard is it to create a character that fits a narrative. I don’t know if you know this or not, but my friend Immanuel is also a descendant of King David, born of a virgin. Basically, what Christians did was they took what they thought were prophecies and created a character to try to fit those prophecies. Then they went around telling everyone that Jesus fulfilled ALL the prophecies. Oh yeah? How many people called Jesus Immanuel? That was allegedly one of the prophecies of Daniel (even though it was talking about someone completely different and more current with the time it was written). And that genealogy that is supposed to prove that Jesus was descended from King David also proved that he wasn’t born of a virgin after all. Even the prophecy that the Messiah would be born of a virgin was actually mistranslated. In other words, the main reason why Jesus was born of a virgin was because some one mistranslated the word and thought that the Messiah had to be a virgin and so when it came time to write the story of Jesus, they through in that he was a virgin and fulfilled the prophecy that didn’t actually exist.

Here is the bottom line, prophecies are for entertainment purposes only and are not to be taken seriously. The End of Days will always be soon and it will never come. So stop being frightened of tomorrow and live for today.

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  • Mr. X

    HOLY $^@!

    Would you know it – I was born of a virgin, TOO!

  • http://yahoo Eddie

    Stachs ,you are so right ! Predicting the future is all Bullshit .
    And using a bible ,even enhances the bullshit Factor .I like your no-nonsense approach to reality . Kudos

  • Scott

    Prophecies are like horoscopes in that they are vague enough to always be arguably true.

  • http://shaunphilly.wordpress.com Shaun

    I prophesize that some people will be offended by this blog. Can I get the title of “Prophet ShaunPhilly” now? Can I get that on business card. That would be totally sweet.

  • http://www.myspace.com/warinwald Belteshaz’zar

    it is pretty comical that christians often take the line
    “But of that day and hour knoweth no [man], no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only”
    but they don’t bother to mention that Jesus indicated he would be coming back within the lifetime of the people he was speaking with.

  • ProgRockGirl

    Also, due to probability, a few prophecies are bound to come true. It’s kinda like that mathematical calculation that figured out the likelihood of dreaming about a person and having them die the next day.

    Although even nonreligious people sometimes think it’s the end of the world. My mom dropped out of college, thinking what’s the point? World War III would probably happen, so she should just try to survive. And environmentally, things are looking pretty grim…maybe not in a blowing up sense, but in a poverty, natural disasters and disease sense.

  • existential blues

    Anyone who believes the prophecies of the OT (that Christians hang their hats on) was not written retrospectively is quite gullible. It’s easy to “predict” events (with names) after they happen.

    It’s amazing, the faith that fundamentalists have in the bible’s being a historical document. Their faith is misplaced.

  • Mike

    Somebody is a little outdated in their Harold Camping discussion. In his book “1994?” he made a prediction which he admits was “out of haste”…see the question mark in the title…?

    For the past ~2yrs, he’s revealed it to be May 21st, 2011… which was actually put in his “1994?” as an alternative possibility. All his recent publications that point to 2011 are available for download, or even free of charge if you want a hard copy.

    I’m agnostic… and have been reading/listening to Harold Camping with an open mind. All this dude wants to do is point people to the Bible with specific scripture… but nobody wants to listen. The Bible scholars and theologians mock him because he takes a simplistic approach defining every word in the Bible as the word of God, and not preoccupying himself with “who” wrote it in the Bible… which incidentally is why there are a million denominations of Christianity.

    It’s eerily strange really… how the average shmuck and main stream media’s avoiding him.

    • http://www.dangeroustalk.net Staks

      I have to admit Mike that Harold Camping has been off my radar for awhile. I did hear that he had a new book/date, but I couldn’t remember what it was and he didn’t seem worth the research since no one cares what he has to say any more. My Christian friend who was a strong supporter of his has even distanced himself from Camping.

  • Darth Cynic

    This is almost certainly pedantic and means little or nothing to your overall point, but did you mean Mormon church when you say temple?

    Tis just that to the best of my knowledge a polling station can never be in a temple because non-Mormons are not allowed inside once the place has been consecrated.

    • http://skepticink.com/dangeroustalk Dangerous Talk

      I stand corrected.